I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
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Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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