A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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