If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
