textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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