Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
