just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
