Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
