I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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