Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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