my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
