were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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