I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
