4 words: hood of his car
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
