I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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