I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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