new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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