Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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