Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
