He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I understand Curling. That high.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She bit a glass in half.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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