I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
