So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
