mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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