Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
