Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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