So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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