Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
