Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
