The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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