The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we're making bets on your personal life
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
