My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
