how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
