halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
