Capitaan dildo arrescate!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
