yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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