not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I could fuck to npr.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
