you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
