I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
