just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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