i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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