my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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