We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
