I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
