I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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