we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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