He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
