I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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