Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
