one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
