and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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