I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
