Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
