Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
