My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
