This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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