Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
