That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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