did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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