I want to make a zoo with you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize