woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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