we have pet lesbian snakes
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
