We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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