now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
