His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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