I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
