I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
